Monthly Archives: November 2013

The angry phase

I think I’ve hit the angry phase of my grieving period. I’m mad at everyone and everything and I just want to punch someone in the face for no reason other than they look at me. On the up side, I’ve been taking it out on the weeds in my gardens.

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Roller coaster of emotions

The past three weeks have been a roller coaster of emotions, finally coming to an end with today’s tragedy.

It started with me finally getting fed up with my work environment and my boss. I sent out resumes for teaching positions, and got two interviews, one with a county official and one with two assistant principals. Both went well and I was hopeful I would move on to the next step of meeting the principal.

A week went by and still no word. I was beginning to lose hope once again. Then something else caught my attention that morning. I was almost two weeks late. My mind began racing. I was pregnant! That would explain the recent mood swings and utter exhaustion.

I had a heart to heart with God right then and there. “God, I thank you for the gift of this baby. I know in our current situation, we can’t afford to care for it. But I also know that you would not give it to us without providing us with the financial means to care for it. So I trust you completely. I trust that you will give me a higher paying job to put our minds at ease.”

That same afternoon, I received a call from the school I had interviewed at. The principal wanted to meet me! I was so excited! Later that night, my husband shared in my excitement when I told him about the interview and the positive pregnancy test I had taken. We were both on cloud nine. Nothing could bring us down!

The weekend was great and on Monday morning I told my boss about my upcoming interview. She took it better than I thought. Tuesday rolled around and I met with the principal. She had me meet the other art teachers and sit in on some of the classes. Afterwards, she offered me the job on the spot! I was higher than heaven! A new baby (due in the summer), my dream job, happy family, and stable home…I had it all! It was perfect.

Unfortunately, this story doesn’t have a happy ending. Later that night, as I was packing for a business trip, I began to feel cramps. When I woke up this morning, I had heavy bleeding. My world was turning upside down. The only thought running through my head was, “Not again. Please, God, no, not again.” My trip was canceled and I went straight to the doctor. An ultrasound confirmed that the baby’s heart had stopped and the miscarriage process had started.

I am…heartbroken. I do not know how to make it through this again and will be seeing a grief counselor in the near future. Two babies gone. Two babies God has taken from me before I even get to hold them. Two babies I will never see grow up, hear them call my name, say “I love you,” feel their hugs, count their tiny toes.

Why? Why my babies? Why me? Why do people who don’t deserve children, or worse, terminate them because they don’t want them, have them so easily and I can’t?

People have that one question they want to ask God when they finally meet him face to face. My question will be “Why did you take my babies from me?” I know this emotional ride is far from over. I know there will be a day it eventually slows down. I have to trust, and right now that is so hard to do. My human nature does not want to trust. My human nature wants to turn my back on God. But my divine soul knows that is not the answer to my grief. My divine soul knows that now is the time I need to sprint into God’s outstretched arms and grieve in the safety of his loving embrace.

Please pray for me, my husband, and our families. We are in great need.

What to do?

I’ve been trying to get a teaching job since 2008. I finally managed to get not one, but two interviews! The problem is how to get off work to go to the interviews. I’ve managed to book a dr appointment following the first one so I can legitimately use that as an excuse, but could not book a different dr appointment the same day as the second one. If I use vacation time, I won’t be able to visit my family at Christmas since I have the exact number of vacation days left to spend the week with them. So the question is, do I lie and call in sick (after a 3 day weekend), do I use the excuse of the baby has a fever (still lying), do I tell her a personal matter has come up and ask if I can make the two hours up by staying late that day, or do I come clean and tell her I’m interviewing for another job and take the chance that she will fire me? I have had several people tell me she would fire me out of pride, and our state does not require the employer to give a reason for the termination. I just don’t know what to do. With bills and a one year old, I can’t afford to be unemployed.

What do you think I should do?

To be or not to be…

While Hamlet’s famous line contemplates life or death, mine is referencing a way of life. For the past eight years I have wanted to be an art teacher. After finishing my BFA in 2008, I started sending my resume out every time I heard of an opening in a three county radius. I have kept every rejection notice. I have been rejected over 80 times. So why do I keep at it? Hope. Want. Need.

Coming from a poor family, I was always taught to work hard and to always have hope. I want to be in a classroom, making a difference in kids’ lives. I need a higher paying day job in order to make ends meat. I used to love my current job, but lately because of my boss it has become nothing more than a paycheck, and a small one at that. A first year teacher makes about $10,000 more per year than I do. With that, we would no longer be living paycheck to paycheck, and we would be able to afford to have another child.

I have my resume in six schools currently. And this time, I am VERY hopeful. Why? Because this time, the county art coordinator knows I exist. And even better…he wants to meet me and view my portfolio. I owe this to my college photo professor. She knows him, and I thank her tremendously for putting him in touch with me. So wish me luck this week.

Photo of the Day – Nov. 5th

Today’s Photo of the Day comes from one of my favorite places. I love sitting under the old live oaks. They are my favorite part about living in the south, ok, no snow is my favorite part. But the trees are a close second.

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Photo of the Day – Nov. 2

I love the symbolism behind this shot. Sometimes you just need to stand out from the crowd. On a sad note, we have to have the tree these crocuses surround removed because a fungus is killing it and there is no way to save it. I’m not quite sure where my crocuses will be moved to yet.

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Photo of the Day – Oct. 31 and Nov. 1

I meant to post yesterday, but got caught up in all the Halloween Excitement. So here is the Halloween photo of the day. Isn’t my little Superman adorable?

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And then there’s today’s Photo of the Day, All Saints Day to us Catholic folk.

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This pretty little blossom with rain kisses reminds me of my own pretty little saint in heaven, whom I believe saved my son and I from a terrible car accident on the way home tonight. We were on the interstate, in the center lane. Out of nowhere, this car pulls up beside us and starts merging into us (he was looking down at his phone). I slammed on the breaks and blared my horn. He should have side swiped us clean off the road, but our vehicles missed each other by millimeters as he swerved in front of us and then back across the left lane, barely missing the guardrail. I thank our guardian angels and our little saint Alex for watching out for us tonight. Don’t text and drive people. Your life isn’t the only one at stake.