Tonight was the first part of a two day retreat that is a requirement of the three year theology program I’m enrolled in. It was an enjoyable evening.
I joined several of my classmates on the dock down by the river to pray the Rosary in total darkness, which was powerful in the sense that the darkness helps you concentrate on the prayer. I also happened to be on the winning team for the Catholic Trivia game.
Probably the most powerful moment I experienced though, was when our retreat director, a religious sister, asked us what Jesus would say to each of us individually if he were to walk through the doors at that very moment.
She directed phrases that Jesus would speak to individuals, and looking right at me she said, “You are not alone.” I will be honest, I started crying. I cried because it was exactly what I needed to hear at this exact moment in my life. No matter the group or the location or my role, I have always felt like an outsider. And lately, I have felt like I am all by myself, without a friend in the world. Even in my own marriage, I often feel like I’m raising my son by myself and that my husband has “checked out,” leaving me to take care of the household too.
I needed to hear that despite how I feel, I am never alone. God is always with me. He is there to comfort me, to guide me, to love me. In all my imperfection, I am His. Thank you, Jesus, for telling me what I so desperately needed to hear. God is good…all the time.
The past three weeks have been a roller coaster of emotions, finally coming to an end with today’s tragedy.
It started with me finally getting fed up with my work environment and my boss. I sent out resumes for teaching positions, and got two interviews, one with a county official and one with two assistant principals. Both went well and I was hopeful I would move on to the next step of meeting the principal.
A week went by and still no word. I was beginning to lose hope once again. Then something else caught my attention that morning. I was almost two weeks late. My mind began racing. I was pregnant! That would explain the recent mood swings and utter exhaustion.
I had a heart to heart with God right then and there. “God, I thank you for the gift of this baby. I know in our current situation, we can’t afford to care for it. But I also know that you would not give it to us without providing us with the financial means to care for it. So I trust you completely. I trust that you will give me a higher paying job to put our minds at ease.”
That same afternoon, I received a call from the school I had interviewed at. The principal wanted to meet me! I was so excited! Later that night, my husband shared in my excitement when I told him about the interview and the positive pregnancy test I had taken. We were both on cloud nine. Nothing could bring us down!
The weekend was great and on Monday morning I told my boss about my upcoming interview. She took it better than I thought. Tuesday rolled around and I met with the principal. She had me meet the other art teachers and sit in on some of the classes. Afterwards, she offered me the job on the spot! I was higher than heaven! A new baby (due in the summer), my dream job, happy family, and stable home…I had it all! It was perfect.
Unfortunately, this story doesn’t have a happy ending. Later that night, as I was packing for a business trip, I began to feel cramps. When I woke up this morning, I had heavy bleeding. My world was turning upside down. The only thought running through my head was, “Not again. Please, God, no, not again.” My trip was canceled and I went straight to the doctor. An ultrasound confirmed that the baby’s heart had stopped and the miscarriage process had started.
I am…heartbroken. I do not know how to make it through this again and will be seeing a grief counselor in the near future. Two babies gone. Two babies God has taken from me before I even get to hold them. Two babies I will never see grow up, hear them call my name, say “I love you,” feel their hugs, count their tiny toes.
Why? Why my babies? Why me? Why do people who don’t deserve children, or worse, terminate them because they don’t want them, have them so easily and I can’t?
People have that one question they want to ask God when they finally meet him face to face. My question will be “Why did you take my babies from me?” I know this emotional ride is far from over. I know there will be a day it eventually slows down. I have to trust, and right now that is so hard to do. My human nature does not want to trust. My human nature wants to turn my back on God. But my divine soul knows that is not the answer to my grief. My divine soul knows that now is the time I need to sprint into God’s outstretched arms and grieve in the safety of his loving embrace.
Please pray for me, my husband, and our families. We are in great need.