Well, grief counseling has helped me take everything one day at a time. Thanksgiving was ok. I avoided my husband’s family as much as I could since they have a habit of saying the wrong things, like, “at least you’re still young. You can always try again,” and “what’s the big deal? It’s easy to get pregnant.”
My doctor has ordered lab tests for January. Since this is my second miscarriage, the insurance company will finally let her. I’m a little nervous about what they may find, but at least I’ll know how to counteract it to try and prevent future issues. In all honesty I hope they do find something the matter with me. If they don’t, I think my feelings of guilt (it was something I did or didn’t do that was the cause) would skyrocket.
Teaching has been going ok too. I love everything about the elementary school I work for. The administration at the middle school is a bit less organized and less supportive. My sixth graders are pretty good. Out of 60 (two classes), I only have four trouble makers. My seventh graders are another issue altogether. I have 45 of them all at once. They spend so much time talking that in a 90 minute class period, they only get about 15 minutes of working time because I have to stop every five minutes while giving directions to wait for them to quiet down. I’m in the middle of grading projects right now. My sixth graders are doing great. Most of my seventh graders are failing due to incomplete work.
Christmas was pleasant. We spent it with my family in Ohio this year. And for once, my sister and I managed not to kill each other, though we did have one major spat, it was much milder than our past arguments. My son had so much fun opening presents. His favorite toy was his set of cars. He’s big into cars and trucks right now. My husband enjoyed all his gifts and my favorite gift was the three birthstone pendants my husband got for me for each of our children. We will celebrate New Years with my parents before we head back to Florida. We’ll be stopping to visit my aunt in North Carolina on the way. I’m looking forward to that visit.
I think I’ve hit the angry phase of my grieving period. I’m mad at everyone and everything and I just want to punch someone in the face for no reason other than they look at me. On the up side, I’ve been taking it out on the weeds in my gardens.
The past three weeks have been a roller coaster of emotions, finally coming to an end with today’s tragedy.
It started with me finally getting fed up with my work environment and my boss. I sent out resumes for teaching positions, and got two interviews, one with a county official and one with two assistant principals. Both went well and I was hopeful I would move on to the next step of meeting the principal.
A week went by and still no word. I was beginning to lose hope once again. Then something else caught my attention that morning. I was almost two weeks late. My mind began racing. I was pregnant! That would explain the recent mood swings and utter exhaustion.
I had a heart to heart with God right then and there. “God, I thank you for the gift of this baby. I know in our current situation, we can’t afford to care for it. But I also know that you would not give it to us without providing us with the financial means to care for it. So I trust you completely. I trust that you will give me a higher paying job to put our minds at ease.”
That same afternoon, I received a call from the school I had interviewed at. The principal wanted to meet me! I was so excited! Later that night, my husband shared in my excitement when I told him about the interview and the positive pregnancy test I had taken. We were both on cloud nine. Nothing could bring us down!
The weekend was great and on Monday morning I told my boss about my upcoming interview. She took it better than I thought. Tuesday rolled around and I met with the principal. She had me meet the other art teachers and sit in on some of the classes. Afterwards, she offered me the job on the spot! I was higher than heaven! A new baby (due in the summer), my dream job, happy family, and stable home…I had it all! It was perfect.
Unfortunately, this story doesn’t have a happy ending. Later that night, as I was packing for a business trip, I began to feel cramps. When I woke up this morning, I had heavy bleeding. My world was turning upside down. The only thought running through my head was, “Not again. Please, God, no, not again.” My trip was canceled and I went straight to the doctor. An ultrasound confirmed that the baby’s heart had stopped and the miscarriage process had started.
I am…heartbroken. I do not know how to make it through this again and will be seeing a grief counselor in the near future. Two babies gone. Two babies God has taken from me before I even get to hold them. Two babies I will never see grow up, hear them call my name, say “I love you,” feel their hugs, count their tiny toes.
Why? Why my babies? Why me? Why do people who don’t deserve children, or worse, terminate them because they don’t want them, have them so easily and I can’t?
People have that one question they want to ask God when they finally meet him face to face. My question will be “Why did you take my babies from me?” I know this emotional ride is far from over. I know there will be a day it eventually slows down. I have to trust, and right now that is so hard to do. My human nature does not want to trust. My human nature wants to turn my back on God. But my divine soul knows that is not the answer to my grief. My divine soul knows that now is the time I need to sprint into God’s outstretched arms and grieve in the safety of his loving embrace.
Please pray for me, my husband, and our families. We are in great need.