So I’ve been off the grid for a while now thanks to my first year teaching in a private school, going back to school to finish my education certificate, keeping up with my two year old, and with the expectation of my second baby (10 weeks to go). I’ve been so busy with those things I’ve had to put my photography business on hold, and have even found I have almost no time to snap a photo of the day. The one thing I have recently started making time for again is knitting and crocheting…to keep my sanity. If you think public school kids are stressful, try dealing with private school parents. I almost quit at the end of the first quarter because I had a lot of parents angry that their kids had earned a B in Art instead of an A. And they weren’t very civil about how they approached me on the matter. Most were aggressive and some even got nastily mean. I would honestly trade a year in a public school with 85 kids in one class than deal with those parents for a single day again. So I picked my needles back up after a long hiatus and made some pretty cute baby hats, and I’ve got the two sides of a pillow complete. I just have to stitch the pillow pieces together and stuff it. Five more days until Christmas break.
So much has been going on since my last post. The beginning of June was crazy, wrapping up the end of my first school year. During the last two weeks of school, I found out my position had been cut, so I applied and interviewed for a position at a Catholic school. Well, I got it! And my first day is this Wednesday. Ironically enough, after I accepted the position, I got offers from four other schools. Crazy how that works out.
Another big piece of news is on Father’s Day, I found out I’m pregnant again. My husband and I couldn’t be happier! This pregnancy has been very different though. I have been diagnosed with an autoimmune disorder so this pregnancy is high risk. That means twice as many doctor appointments and twice as many ultrasounds. On my last ultrasound, the doctor found a small hematoma, which they are monitoring. They are hoping it will be reabsorbed by my body. I find out next week if it has gone down any or gotten worse. It’s scary because just when we got my autoimmune disorder under control, this pops up and could cause a miscarriage too. I have full confidence in my doctors though. I’ve been very tired and nauseated most of these 10 weeks, but I don’t mind it because that’s how I know baby is still with us.
Other than the new job, and a new baby on the way, I have been working two jobs all summer, as well as going to art workshops, so unfortunately I have not been able to clean and organize my house the way I was planning to this summer, and I haven’t had a lot of time to spend with my son. Somehow, I have managed to find time to work on a few crochet projects. I made two toy hammocks for my son’s room and I’ve been working on an earth toned granny square pillow. I’ll have to take some photos later.
Speaking of photos, today I helped photograph a charity event with Locks for Love and ended up donating my hair in the process. Here are some before and after photos.
Pretty big change, but I think it’s cute.
At a recent guild meeting I won a one year pro subscription to Animoto. So here is a recent client’s slideshow. I can’t share it with her yet though because She hasn’t picked up her canvas yet (the very last image). When she does, I’ll be able to post this to my website and Facebook. I just don’t want to ruin the surprise for her. Since I’ve never really told any family, friends, or clients about this side blog, I don’t really have any worries that she might see it. I’m just so excited about it I can’t wait to share it with someone.
I think I’ve hit the angry phase of my grieving period. I’m mad at everyone and everything and I just want to punch someone in the face for no reason other than they look at me. On the up side, I’ve been taking it out on the weeds in my gardens.
The past three weeks have been a roller coaster of emotions, finally coming to an end with today’s tragedy.
It started with me finally getting fed up with my work environment and my boss. I sent out resumes for teaching positions, and got two interviews, one with a county official and one with two assistant principals. Both went well and I was hopeful I would move on to the next step of meeting the principal.
A week went by and still no word. I was beginning to lose hope once again. Then something else caught my attention that morning. I was almost two weeks late. My mind began racing. I was pregnant! That would explain the recent mood swings and utter exhaustion.
I had a heart to heart with God right then and there. “God, I thank you for the gift of this baby. I know in our current situation, we can’t afford to care for it. But I also know that you would not give it to us without providing us with the financial means to care for it. So I trust you completely. I trust that you will give me a higher paying job to put our minds at ease.”
That same afternoon, I received a call from the school I had interviewed at. The principal wanted to meet me! I was so excited! Later that night, my husband shared in my excitement when I told him about the interview and the positive pregnancy test I had taken. We were both on cloud nine. Nothing could bring us down!
The weekend was great and on Monday morning I told my boss about my upcoming interview. She took it better than I thought. Tuesday rolled around and I met with the principal. She had me meet the other art teachers and sit in on some of the classes. Afterwards, she offered me the job on the spot! I was higher than heaven! A new baby (due in the summer), my dream job, happy family, and stable home…I had it all! It was perfect.
Unfortunately, this story doesn’t have a happy ending. Later that night, as I was packing for a business trip, I began to feel cramps. When I woke up this morning, I had heavy bleeding. My world was turning upside down. The only thought running through my head was, “Not again. Please, God, no, not again.” My trip was canceled and I went straight to the doctor. An ultrasound confirmed that the baby’s heart had stopped and the miscarriage process had started.
I am…heartbroken. I do not know how to make it through this again and will be seeing a grief counselor in the near future. Two babies gone. Two babies God has taken from me before I even get to hold them. Two babies I will never see grow up, hear them call my name, say “I love you,” feel their hugs, count their tiny toes.
Why? Why my babies? Why me? Why do people who don’t deserve children, or worse, terminate them because they don’t want them, have them so easily and I can’t?
People have that one question they want to ask God when they finally meet him face to face. My question will be “Why did you take my babies from me?” I know this emotional ride is far from over. I know there will be a day it eventually slows down. I have to trust, and right now that is so hard to do. My human nature does not want to trust. My human nature wants to turn my back on God. But my divine soul knows that is not the answer to my grief. My divine soul knows that now is the time I need to sprint into God’s outstretched arms and grieve in the safety of his loving embrace.
Please pray for me, my husband, and our families. We are in great need.
Sorry I’ve been absent for a while. I’ve had a really good reason. My son Louis was born on 9-12-12 at 2:57 PM. He came into this world weighing 6 pounds, 14 ounces, and measuring 20 inches long. He is perfect in every way and looks just like his daddy.
My contractions started on Tuesday morning around 4:30 AM and progressively got stronger and more frequent throughout the day. I spent that whole day at work, not wanting to waist a sick day if it turned out to be false labor. Around 9:00 that same night, my contractions were less than ten minutes apart and lasted for more than a minute each. We headed to the hospital, only to be sent home two hours later.
At 2:00 AM (Tuesday night/Wednesday morning) I woke with really sharp pains in my lower abdomen and spent about 20 minutes doubled over on the bathroom floor before I was able to wake my husband. We headed to the hospital once more and spent three hours in triage while the L&D nurse talked my doctor into admitting me. The contractions were extremely painful and I kept thinking, “if it feels like this now, how much worse will it feel later?”
After being settled into our LDR room (labor, delivery, & recovery) I let my husband talk me into having an epidural. Quite honestly, I’m glad I did because the pain was so frequent and so strong there was no way I’d have gotten any sleep. Around 2:15 in the afternoon I noticed I was feeling contractions through the relief of the epidural. When nausea accompanied the contractions, I paged the nurse. She did her exam and in surprise said, “Wow, you’re at 10 cm, 100%, and your baby is right there. You’re not going to be pushing long at all.” In essence, my baby was arriving very soon.
The doctor and delivery staff were called in and I began to push with the next contraction. I pushed for a grand total of 20 minutes before the baby was born in one final push (completely unheard of for a first baby/mom). He popped out like a cannon ball, catching even the doctor off guard as he landed in her arms. Normally, a second push is required to free the baby from the shoulders down. Not with my little man, he came completely out in one big push.
He is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen in my entire life. He looks just like his daddy too. They kept us in the hospital for 3 days because they had to keep an eye on my stitches (my skin tore during the final push). My husband’s parents came to visit every day we were there and tried to follow us home when we were discharged. Thankfully, my husband put his foot down and made them go to their own home.
Louis is so adorable and I love him to pieces. I’m so excited to be his mommy and watch him grow throughout life.
Well, it looks like another day of playing the waiting game with this baby. After nesting too much Friday and Saturday, I tried to take it easy on Sunday like I was told to. It was very difficult. All I wanted to do was rearrange the entire house.
My husband and I were hoping the baby would arrive on Saturday, in remembrance of the baby we lost last year. Baby boy seems to have other plans though.
So on my relaxing Sunday I made this cute little hat for the baby and started another one I’ll get finished tonight. It is a crochet pattern I got off Ravelry and although I can’t remember the user who posted it, the pattern is called Fuzzy Bear Hat. I can’t wait to take baby’s first photos in it.
I’ve come to the realization that I could be having this baby any day now. And I still have so much to do. At this point though, I don’t really care about what’s left to do and I just want to hold my baby for the first time. He’s not due until the 15th, but I’ve started to have more intense Braxton Hicks contractions and backaches, as well as a few other signs that labor is on it’s way. Its just a matter of “waiting for the door to open.”
I do think little man will arrive sooner rather than later, not just because of the signs my body is giving me, but because my dogs were extra clingy today. Koufax and Reba would not leave my side this morning, not even for their breakfast. So even they know we’re getting close. In all honesty, while I think it would be cool for us to share a birthday (Sept. 14th) I think it would be really special if he were born tomorrow on the 8th because the anniversary of when we first saw baby Alex’s heartbeat before she passed away last October. Its as if it would be a sign from my baby girl that she is watching over us.
Sorry I’ve been MIA for a while. Getting ready for this baby has taken up a great deal of time. My husband keeps asking if I think he’ll come soon. Quite honestly, I don’t mind when he decides to arrive, so long as its after Monday (I have a wedding Saturday and need a few days to edit the images). My doctor is predicting a Sept. 16th delivery (due date is Sept. 15th) so we’ll see what little man decides to do.
I’ve started nesting. It’s gone as far as fixing our broken dishwasher. My husband keeps telling me to rest, and my answer to that is for him to clean the house then because I’m tired of looking at the mess. So far, he hasn’t lifted a finger to clean anything in the last month. Hence the nesting. And I keep wanting to wash baby clothes and finish the nursery. I just want my baby’s first day home to be sparkly clean. People keep telling me the baby won’t care, but I do.
I’ve still got so much to do, prepare, and purchase before baby gets here because I know I won’t have the time or energy to do it afterwards. That’s another reason for all the cleaning. My husband sure won’t do it and there’s no way I’m letting my mother-in-law come over to do it. On the rare occasion the in-laws do come over, all they ever do is yell and lecture about how “messy” everything is. Their version of “messy” is the average American’s version of “clean enough for visitors.”
I’m nervous about my in-laws trying to run our household as they did theirs. I don’t want them forcing their beliefs and practices on me and my husband when we become parents. They’re very controlling “my way or the highway” people. And I know they’re going to try to come over all the time after the baby is born. We’ve already had to tell them they’re not allowed to follow us home from the hospital. My husband and I have also made the decision that we want a few hours of privacy following delivery for our little family to bond. His parents insist on being called the moment we leave for the hospital and being in the delivery room the entire time. I don’t think so. That’s where my husband and I draw the line. If they want to sit in a waiting room for six or seven hours so be it, but there is no way they’re gaining access to the delivery room until after the baby’s born, I’ve had a chance to nurse him, and the three of us have had a chance to bond. Thankfully, my husband is completely on board with this decision.
At 35 weeks, my husband and I went to our photographer and had our full maternity session. It was nice to be able to truly enjoy the site of myself being pregnant. Part of me actually feels “safe” from losing this baby, and all of me feels beautiful. Seeing the look in my husband’s eyes as he wrapped his arms around my naked, pregnant belly was truly amazing and made me feel like a piece of fine art. Which is why I left my conservative comfort zone, choosing the photographer we did (I think I may have accidentally flashed my photographer at one point too- oops) because the photographer we chose is well known in our state for his maternity fine art pieces. He and his female assistant made my husband and i feel very at ease.
Granted, I will never be bold enough to publicly display most of the images, but they will make nicely framed pieces for our bedroom and a nice album for us to look back on to remember how special this baby is and how blessed we are to have him.
Five more weeks (give or take) until little man arrives. It’s going to be so different having him in our lives. We know there are going to be challenges along the way, but he will be worth every single one.
As he drifted off to sleep, my husband asked me if I was scared of the labor. Truthfully, I’m not. I’m a little nervous about the IV still, but not about the labor itself. Will it hurt more than anything else I’ve ever felt? Guaranteed. But I’m not afraid because I know when it’s all over, I’ll get to hold my little boy. I still pray every day that God lets us keep this child to raise in His ways. As we get closer to our due date and the check-ups continue to go well, I feel more and more that God will answer that prayer with a resounding “yes.”
I would encourage other pregnant women to have not just maternity sessions, but progression sessions done on a monthly basis too. The little life inside you is so special and as we learned, so fragile. All we have to remember our first baby Alex by is my first two progressions (months 2 and 3). We have been blessed that God has let us keep this second baby so far and that’s why we didn’t hold anything back with this baby’s progression and maternity session. We also don’t know how many children God will bless us with in the future. That is the second reason we did everything we could now. The truth is, you just never know what life holds, so cherish everything while you can.