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Roller coaster of emotions

The past three weeks have been a roller coaster of emotions, finally coming to an end with today’s tragedy.

It started with me finally getting fed up with my work environment and my boss. I sent out resumes for teaching positions, and got two interviews, one with a county official and one with two assistant principals. Both went well and I was hopeful I would move on to the next step of meeting the principal.

A week went by and still no word. I was beginning to lose hope once again. Then something else caught my attention that morning. I was almost two weeks late. My mind began racing. I was pregnant! That would explain the recent mood swings and utter exhaustion.

I had a heart to heart with God right then and there. “God, I thank you for the gift of this baby. I know in our current situation, we can’t afford to care for it. But I also know that you would not give it to us without providing us with the financial means to care for it. So I trust you completely. I trust that you will give me a higher paying job to put our minds at ease.”

That same afternoon, I received a call from the school I had interviewed at. The principal wanted to meet me! I was so excited! Later that night, my husband shared in my excitement when I told him about the interview and the positive pregnancy test I had taken. We were both on cloud nine. Nothing could bring us down!

The weekend was great and on Monday morning I told my boss about my upcoming interview. She took it better than I thought. Tuesday rolled around and I met with the principal. She had me meet the other art teachers and sit in on some of the classes. Afterwards, she offered me the job on the spot! I was higher than heaven! A new baby (due in the summer), my dream job, happy family, and stable home…I had it all! It was perfect.

Unfortunately, this story doesn’t have a happy ending. Later that night, as I was packing for a business trip, I began to feel cramps. When I woke up this morning, I had heavy bleeding. My world was turning upside down. The only thought running through my head was, “Not again. Please, God, no, not again.” My trip was canceled and I went straight to the doctor. An ultrasound confirmed that the baby’s heart had stopped and the miscarriage process had started.

I am…heartbroken. I do not know how to make it through this again and will be seeing a grief counselor in the near future. Two babies gone. Two babies God has taken from me before I even get to hold them. Two babies I will never see grow up, hear them call my name, say “I love you,” feel their hugs, count their tiny toes.

Why? Why my babies? Why me? Why do people who don’t deserve children, or worse, terminate them because they don’t want them, have them so easily and I can’t?

People have that one question they want to ask God when they finally meet him face to face. My question will be “Why did you take my babies from me?” I know this emotional ride is far from over. I know there will be a day it eventually slows down. I have to trust, and right now that is so hard to do. My human nature does not want to trust. My human nature wants to turn my back on God. But my divine soul knows that is not the answer to my grief. My divine soul knows that now is the time I need to sprint into God’s outstretched arms and grieve in the safety of his loving embrace.

Please pray for me, my husband, and our families. We are in great need.

What to do?

I’ve been trying to get a teaching job since 2008. I finally managed to get not one, but two interviews! The problem is how to get off work to go to the interviews. I’ve managed to book a dr appointment following the first one so I can legitimately use that as an excuse, but could not book a different dr appointment the same day as the second one. If I use vacation time, I won’t be able to visit my family at Christmas since I have the exact number of vacation days left to spend the week with them. So the question is, do I lie and call in sick (after a 3 day weekend), do I use the excuse of the baby has a fever (still lying), do I tell her a personal matter has come up and ask if I can make the two hours up by staying late that day, or do I come clean and tell her I’m interviewing for another job and take the chance that she will fire me? I have had several people tell me she would fire me out of pride, and our state does not require the employer to give a reason for the termination. I just don’t know what to do. With bills and a one year old, I can’t afford to be unemployed.

What do you think I should do?

Today’s Top Ten Things I’ve Learned

Some things I’ve learned or realized just today:

1. I really like reading blogs about crochet and knitting.

2. Being pregnant during the summer in Florida and having to work in a building with no air conditioning is an absolutely horrible way to spend a day. It’s caused a lot of swelling in my hands and feet.

3. While I’m normally a very patient person, I have no patience for knitting/crocheting on small needles with small yarns. The bulkier the better. I like to combine the thin, fashion yarns with bulkier yarns to make something different.

4. I would much rather photograph a wedding than edit the photos from a wedding.

5. I have to teach my husband how to sweep floors and wash dishes. His parents didn’t do a very good job with those tasks.

6. I love thunderstorms, but not when they interrupt editing my client work because of power outages.

7. I really wish I didn’t have to work so much and I could do all the things around the house that I want to do, like paint the rooms, clean out closets, and reorganize/rearrange.

8. People can actually tell I’m pregnant now and not just pudgy (only took six months).

9. I lack the confidence to follow a knitting/crochet pattern. I’d much rather stick to the things I’m familiar with or make it up as I go than risk screwing a pattern up. So after the scarf I’m currently working on is finished, I am going to make myself follow all the “beginner” patterns in a book that’s been sitting on my shelf for the past six years (even if they are boring), just so I can practice following patterns.

10. I really wish I had more free time. I don’t want to be the mom that can’t play with my kids because I’m always working.

 

Wishing I could do more

My husband can be a pretty tough guy. There are only a select few in this world that he ever opens up to or shows emotion in front of. I am honored to know that as his wife, I am one of those people. Today, as we sat in church, listening to the Word of God, he started crying. Nothing attention getting, just tears rolling down his cheeks. I put my arm around him, leaned in close, and asked if he was okay. After shaking his head “yes” he stated, “I just don’t know how to leave.” It took me a moment to realize he was talking about his current job. In that instant, flashing through my mind was what he must look like as he argues with himself about how the new job that he’s been recommended for is what he truly wants for himself to prove that he’s better at what he does than people give him credit for and how in leaving his current job he feels as if he were being disloyal and turning his back on the people who have been his work community for the past seven years.

I pray for him every day. I pray that God shows him which job he’s supposed to be at (take the new or stick with the old), and that his eyes and ears are open to see/hear that answer when it is given. I tell him that no matter which one he takes, I will be there at his side, supporting him 100%. I just wish there was more that I could do for him. I wish I could take this burden from him; keep him from beating himself up over it; let him know that everything will work out for the best, and as a family, we’ll be okay.

I know that as his wife, he takes my opinion much more to heart than he does other people’s. Knowing very little about his line of work though, I don’t feel as if I can tell him my opinion of taking one job over the other. He has had many colleagues outside his workplace tell him he should take the new job that’s being offered, and they’ve given him good reasons behind it. No matter what reasons they give though, he turns to me and always asks, “What do you think?” My answer of, “I think you should go where ever you’ll be happiest and think you can do the most good and make a difference” does not seem to be the answer he’s looking for.

I honestly think he’s already made his decision, he’s just second guessing himself. He’s afraid of disappointing people who have been with him through the ups and downs of his work life. He’s afraid of the talk that may spread around his current workplace if he were to leave. He’s afraid of getting fired from his current workplace if they find out he’s looking at another job, and how hard we’d have it if that happened before he’s officially offered this new one.

I wish there were some way I could ease his mind.