Tonight’s L&D class went a little better than the first one. The instructor actually let us practice breathing methods tonight. It was going fine until she had our coaches talk us through it instead of her doing the talking. As my husband sat there, holding my hand, talking me through the mock contraction, I started thinking about the last time he held me through contractions. It was this past October as we were watching our daughter Alex pass away, as I lay bleeding in the exam room with each contraction, and the doctors talking about her as if she were just a mass of goop instead of the little person that she was. She had a heart beat, two little arms, two little legs, everything. Her heart just stopped beating.
Thinking about that experience made me cry right there in the middle of class. It made me realize how much I still miss her and how terrified I am of losing baby Louis too. I love my baby boy, but I know he’s not a replacement for my baby girl. He is a brand new miracle all his own. That doesn’t make me miss my little girl any less. And the experience with my little Alex makes me realize God could take my son from me at any moment. I don’t know what I would do if that happened and the possibility of it truly scares me. I love my baby so much already! I can’t stand the thought of losing him. That is truly my biggest fear, not the pain of labor, or my phobia of needles, it’s watching my baby slip away, knowing there is nothing anyone can do to stop it.